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Harav Hagaon Meir Wahrsager Shlita

Hashem’s Revealed Intervention

Parshas Chayei Sarah

Harav Hagaon Meir Wahrsager Shlita

In this parshah, Eliezer describes in great detail the entire sequence of events that transpired along his way to find Rivka, as he attempts to obtain the consent of Lavan and Besuel to the match between her and Yitzchak. In response, Lavand and Besuel say: מֵה’ יָצָא הַדָּבָר לֹא נוּכַל דַּבֵּר אֵלֶיךָ רַע אוֹ טוֹב — clearly, this is from Hashem, so we can’t stop it or even express our opinion.

The implication is that otherwise, they might have tried to interfere, but considering that this match is obviously the word of Hashem, they cannot oppose it. They then add, הִנֵּה רִבְקָה לְפָנֶיךָ קַח וָלֵךְ וּתְהִי אִשָּׁה לְבֶן אֲדֹנֶיךָ כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר ה’ — “Here is Rivka, take her… as Hashem said.”

The mefarshim wonder what is meant by the phrase כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר ה’. When did Hashem speak to Lavan and Besuel about this? Perhaps Hashem told Avraham that Rivka was destined to be Yitzchak’s wife, but He certainly didn’t disclose this to Lavan and Besuel!

The Netziv explains that when a person experiences a clear manifestation of hashgachah pratis, it’s as if he’s hearing Hashem speaking to him. Lavan and Besuel were also privy to this outright expression of hashgachah pratis, and they acknowledged this with the words כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר ה’.

Indeed, from the passuk וַיַּעַן לָבָן וּבְתוּאֵל וַיֹּאמְרוּ מֵה’ יָצָא הַדָּבָר (along with two other sources, in Nevi’im and Kesuvim), the Gemara (Moed Katan 18b) derives that מה’ אשה לאיש — a person’s zivug is ordained in Shamayim. Evidently, the special hashgachah pratis in the match between Yitzchak and Rivka was not a one-time phenomenon. Rather, this first shidduch discussed in the Torah is the model for all other shidduchim, which are from Hashem as well.

What does it mean that a zivug, specifically, is from Hashem? Everything in the world is from Hashem!

It seems that what the Gemara is expressing here is that although everything is from Hashem, His involvement is usually in the background. The passuk states, הַשָּׁמַיִם שָׁמַיִם לַה’ וְהָאָרֶץ נָתַן לִבְנֵי אָדָם — the heavens belong to Hashem, but the earth, He gave over to people. Does this mean that the earth doesn’t belong to Hashem? Of course it does, but He gave over this world to the bechirah of humans, who seem to be the ones running the world. Even though Hashem is actually the One pulling the strings, at the forefront of the world it seems that human choices, power, and intellect are orchestrating world events. What happens in shamayim, on the other hand, is clearly in Hashem’s control, even to this day.

The exception to this principle, the Gemara is saying, is zivugim; Hashem retained this one area in which He intervenes in a more direct way.

The Chazon Ish is quoted as having expressed this idea in the following way. When the Beis Hamikdash was standing, the relationship between Hakadosh Baruch Hu and Klal Yisrael was one of gilui panim, which was manifested in open nissim. When the churban occurred, however, that relationship shifted to one of hester panim. Nevertheless, says the Chazon Ish, one vestige of this special, outwardly obvious relationship remained: the area of shidduchim. This idea is conveyed in Lavan and Besuel’s words כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר ה’.

Do You Hear the Bas Kol?

The Sforno, commenting on those words, explains that this is a reference to the bas kol that declares, forty days before the formation of a fetus, “Bas ploni l’ploni.”

This dovetails with the Netziv’s explanation that a clear manifestation of hashgachah pratis is tantamount to hearing the dvar Hashem. In other words, when a shidduch is being finalized, and the hashgachah pratis involved in it is clear, that is an echo of the bas kol that announced, “Bas ploni l’ploni.”

Rav Wolbe notes, in Alei Shur, that a bas kol is usually something that is heard. But who hears the bas kol forty days before the child is formed? He quotes the Chazon Ish as explaining that when the prospective chassan and kallah are preparing to finalize the shidduch, they feel a certain sense of clarity. Sometimes, it might be just a tiny bit, but it’s almost as though they are granted a higher feeling of confidence. That itself is the bas kol.

This reverberation of the bas kol, manifesting in the hashgachah pratis of the shidduch, is what Lavan and Besuel, as well as Eliezer, were experiencing. But the same is true of every couple that gets engaged. In fact, one of the reasons why we call an engagement celebration a “vort” is that the couple is announcing that they want everyone to hear the bas kol that this shidduch has been Divinely ordained: כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר ה’.

This, perhaps, is also why the term “bashert” is used so frequently to describe a shidduch. The truth is that everything in the world is bashert: a business deal, a friendship, etc. But the word bashert is used almost exclusively to describe shidduchim, reflecting the idea that a shidduch is an open manifestation of Hashem’s intervention. While a person is required to perform his hishtadlus in this area as well, Hashem does not leave shidduchim up to people, but becomes personally involved in Himself.

A Residence for the Shechinah

Why is He more involved in shidduchim than in anything else?

One reason is that a zivug is something that is very deep and Divine, not something logical. The Netziv alludes to this idea, that a shidduch has to be made by Hakadosh Baruch Hu, because only He could pair a man and a woman despite their vast inherent differences. He explains that the concept of מה’ אשה לאיש is stressed with regard to the shidduch of Yitzchak and Rivka in particular because otherwise we might assume that this was a logical, natural shidduch; after all, Rivka was from the family of Avraham and Yitzchak. To dispel that notion, the Torah emphasizes here specifically that a shidduch is from Hashem — always.

But perhaps there’s another reason why Hashem is more involved in shidduchim than in any other area of life. It’s because He is more invested, kivyachol, in a person’s zivug, since a Jewish home is a dwelling place for the Shechinah, just like the Mishkan. The Gemara in Sotah teaches that if a husband and wife are zocheh, the Shechinah resides between them.

This idea is relevant to people who are seeking a shidduch, but it remains relevant to every married couple, no matter how long they are married. Any time we are trying to work out shalom bayis issues, we have to realize that more than anything else in the world, a marriage is Divinely ordained, and the symmetry between the couple is created by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. If, after a person is married, he is doubtful whether he married the right one, he has to know that his shidduch was made in Heaven, and there is nothing more Heaven-sent than a spouse. A marriage belongs to Hakadosh Baruch Hu; it’s His business.

It’s Hashem’s Time!

The Sefer HaChinuch, in discussing the mitzvah of נָקִי יִהְיֶה לְבֵיתוֹ שָׁנָה אֶחָת, explains that a new husband may not leave his wife for an extended period during shanah rishonah, and is therefore exempt from certain responsibilities, such as army service. The Chinuch adds that a wife is not allowed to be mochel this obligation of her husband, although he cites an opposing view that she may. Why shouldn’t a wife be allowed to waive this obligation of her husband? Why is this chiyuv different from any other obligation bein adam lachaveiro, which a person can forgo?

We can suggest that the reason she can’t be mochel her husband’s presence is that she is not the only partner in this marriage; the Eibishter is also a mechutan. The couple is building a makom for the Shechinah, an edifice that is designed to hold the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu more than any other place in the world. Now, if Hakadosh Baruch Hu determined that the right thing is that this husband and wife should be available for each other during this first year of marriage, the wife does not have a monopoly over her husband’s presence, and she therefore does not have the right to exempt him of his obligation to be with her.

Another place where we see the significance of Hashem’s involvement in a couple’s shalom bayis is the sotah procedure, where Hashem permitted His Name to be erased from a parchment in order to bring peace to a couple. The Maharal explains that it’s not just that Hashem is willing to forgo the honor of His Name in order to restore shalom bayis to a couple. Rather, when He creates shalom bayis between a couple, He is really creating a makom for the Shechinah, where His Name can be glorified.

A Volume of Chazon Ish

I would like to conclude with a beautiful story that can reinforce our chashivus for marriage and shalom bayis. The story was related by Rav Shlomo Hoffman, who heard it from Rav Chatzkel Sarna, the rosh yeshiva of Chevron, who was very close to the Chazon Ish.

Rav Chatzkel told Rav Shlomo that he was extremely pained by the amount of time that the Chazon Ish would devote to speaking to people about their personal issues. People from all over Eretz Yisrael, and even from places throughout the world, flocked to the Chazon Ish for advice, and the Chazon Ish welcomed all these petitioners, setting aside time to counsel people even regarding seemingly trivial matters. Knowing how careful the Chazon Ish was not to waste a moment of time from Torah learning, Rav Chatzkel Sarna once approached him and said, “I understand that it’s important to talk to people about their problems, but during those hours, Klal Yisrael is losing the Torah of the gadol hador, and forfeiting another chelek of the sefer Chazon Ish for all eternity! Why are you wasting this precious time by discussing people’s mundane issues?”

The Chazon Ish gave him an astounding answer. “Before a person opens up to you about really important things, you have to develop a relationship with him. We know how important shalom bayis is, as Hakadosh Baruch Hu was willing to have His Name erased in order to restore shalom between husband and wife. When I listen to these people’s problems, my intention is to develop a relationship with them so that they’ll eventually open up to me about important things and talk to me about their shalom bayis. But the connection can’t start with that on day one, so let them first talk about all sorts of other things, until finally they feel comfortable enough to share their real issues, and then we can deal with shalom bayis.

“I’m willing to give up on a shtickel of Chazon Ish,” he concluded, “to bring shalom bein ish l’ishto.”

In other words, he was saying that the time he devoted to helping people with shalom bayis was also a shtickel of sefer Chazon Ish.

The Chazon Ish was Torah, and Torah is dvar Hashem in this world. Similarly, shalom bayis involves bringing Hashem’s presence into this world, so it was worthwhile for the Chazon Ish to give up his time for this purpose.

Let’s remember this principle of מה’ אשה לאיש, and continue to hear the dvar Hashem in our own marriages, living with this recognition of the importance of shalom bayis and its power to create a place of hashra’as haShechinah in this world.

Gut Shabbos.

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